It's a...

...boy!! Just like I said, just as I dreamed. We went to our baby appointment yesterday and seeing him for the first time, this little person in my belly, was so sweet. He squirmed and kicked, shook his head, moved his lips, and touched his face and ears with his tiny hands. I looked over at Robb who was moved, but sat quietly. He didn't say a word, but I could see his heart through his eyes. The sonographer printed some photos for us and placed them in an envelope. I held them closely and the appointment was over. 

We walked to the car silently and I looked over the photos in the car. "He has your nose. Did you see? See how his nose is flat at the top like yours?" Robb nodded and began driving. I felt as though I wanted to laugh and hop up and down with joy, but I kept quiet for his sake. 

Robb was happy. Deeply and genuinely happy about the baby, the photos, finding out he will have a son. But I didn't want to take away his sadness as well. 

On Saturday night and Sunday morning, we talked a lot about the near future. We both knew that I haven't been happy here and that he will be traveling for work nearly every week starting in a couple months. Being pregnant and entirely alone, in a city that I don't enjoy living in, with all my support, my friends and family back in Kansas City...it's just a lot. And to honest, I love Robb so much. We love each other a lot. He's my best friend, and I can't imagine my life without him in it. But we're not right for each other in the long term. 

We've had a loving, romantic relationship with life struggles of our own that we faced together. He's given and helped me more than I could ask for from someone. Robb will always be very close to me, we'll always be close friends, and I'll always hold him to such a high regard. I think he's a beautiful and wonderful person. But I'm not the one for him and he's not the one for me. And most importantly, I need to begin rebuilding myself, my life, and my independence. Especially before the baby comes. 

So we've both decided it would be best for us to part ways as a couple and for me to move back to Kansas City. I need to begin rebuilding my life and be close to family and friends. We're both very sad about this decision and it was so difficult to make. I love Robb and it will be so devastating to not see him everyday. And most of all, we're both sad that he won't be there every moment to help me raise our little one. But he will be around as much as he can. We're planning holidays together, monthly visits in KC and to Atlanta, and vacations. He'll be there to help bring our son into the world, and he'll stay for a few weeks after, before hopefully seeing us again a month later.

So the sonogram was sad. "I'm going to miss so much in his life." he told me.
"Maybe," I said "but we'll see you often, and I will share so many pictures and videos. We'll video chat everyday so you can see him. And you won't go longer than a month without being with him." I tried to be comforting, but I'm not naive either. It's going to be a really difficult thing for him to have to leave without his boy every time. And I know he can't quit his job and just move back and be near us. So we have to make it work with what we have. 

As for myself, I am very distraught about leaving Robb. It will definitely be hard for a while. But I want to be home with our child as well. I want our son to live in a city I love and be surrounded by all the people who love him. And I feel the same about myself, which is why I feel so much relief in a way. I'll be happier to grow at home.

I know that it won't be easy, and I'm sure there will be bad days. But I intend on working hard to make most days good. I want so much to be someone I can be proud of. And most importantly, someone my boy can be proud of and look up to. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get there.