The Beginning

Samuel,

I am tired today. I believe my belly has been growing more over the past three days, and I feel my body working so hard. It's a wonderful thing to see you growing right before my eyes. Everyday is one day closer to when I will finally meet you. My baby bunny.

It's my favorite kind of day: quiet, rainy, cold, open windows, blankets, books, writing, hot tea, coffee, snuggly pets, sleepy, moody, Erik Satie, reflective, etc.
There is something about these days that pulls me under a trance and I feel overcome by it. I read, and I sleep, and I crochet, and I dream of days like these with you, little one. Maybe on these quiet days, we will snuggle under the blankets, and I will read us The Velveteen Rabbit, or Little Bear. I will make us some tea or hot chocolate, and bake us some bread with soup for lunch. We'll make up stories and paint pictures into the evening, and I will kiss your sweet head and watch you sleep, and I will marvel at how much I love you and how much you belong to me.
For now, we will enjoy these days in a different way.

I've been working on your dark green, wool blanket today and I am nearly finished. I hope you will like it, but at least I know it will keep you warm in the dark winter months following your arrival. I am growing more excited at the thought of bringing you into the world. It can be a scary world at times, but I believe that your presence will make it just a little brighter.

There are a lot of things I am learning right now that is changing me into the person you will know. And I hope you believe someday that I am working hard to become someone both of us can be proud of. I know that I am not going to be perfect. But I will do everything in my power for the rest of our lives to do right by you, and to be a mother you deserve to have.

There is a poem I read recently and I related my love for you to it so well.

The Beginning by Rabindranath Talgore

"Where have I come from, where did you pick me up?" the baby asked
its mother.
She answered, half crying, half laughing, and clasping the
baby to her breast-
"You were hidden in my heart as its desire, my darling.
You were in the dolls of my childhood's games; and when with
clay I made the image of my god every morning, I made the unmade
you then.
You were enshrined with our household deity, in his worship
I worshipped you.
In all my hopes and my loves, in my life, in the life of my
mother you have lived.
In the lap of the deathless Spirit who rules our home you have
been nursed for ages.
When in girlhood my heart was opening its petals, you hovered
as a fragrance about it.
Your tender softness bloomed in my youthful limbs, like a glow
in the sky before the sunrise.
Heaven's first darling, twain-born with the morning light, you
have floated down the stream of the world's life, and at last you
have stranded on my heart.
As I gaze on your face, mystery overwhelms me; you who belong
to all have become mine.
For fear of losing you I hold you tight to my breast. What
magic has snared the world's treasure in these slender arms of
mine?"


I love you, I love you.

Always,
Mama