"Everything will turn out in the wash."

I've always been a dreamer, scheming up new possibilities and lives I could lead until I found my place. This is both a wonderful thing and an enormous curse in my life. Lately, it's been more of a curse.
There are many things early motherhood is teaching me. In recent days, I have experienced the first feelings of how conflicting a selfish attitude can be when you have a child.

I had a plan, which I mentioned a couple posts ago, that I would move back to Kansas City and rebuild a life for Samuel and I. I would do whatever it takes to get what I wanted and what we needed. Now, just three weeks before the moving date, I have nothing. No money, no car, no job there, no place to live. Still, I pushed through my "weakness" and stomped my feet and said, No, I will do whatever it takes to get what I want, to have my dream right this instant. I will work in fast food if I have to, I will walk the mile or two to and from work everyday, I will couch-hop. I will do anything. 

Cut to yesterday morning. Robb and I had a baby appointment to do an ultrasound scan on Samuel's anatomy, to measure and make sure everything is healthy and looking good. The technician put the gloop on my tummy and moved the wand around. There he was, our little peanut, all curled up in a tiny ball. His spine ran down his back and his head bent low over his stomach. "Let's get the heartbeat." said the technician, but there was no sound. She said nothing and for the very first time (trying not to cry as I write this now)...I felt it. That horrible, painful feeling every mother gets at some point. It washed over me and I swear for an instant, my heart stopped beating and my breath became silent.

"Oh, let me turn on the sound!" said the technician, and right away...Whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh. I immediately felt my color come back, my heart filled again, and I watched my son on the screen all cuddled up and sleeping.

There was something about that moment that changed things. Something clicked in me and I realized for the first time that, yes I do love this child, and yes he is my child, but I realized that I have a dedication to him that I've not experienced before in my life. For the first time in my life, it fucking matters what I do to my body. It matters what I eat, how much I sleep, the exercise I get. It matters if I push myself too hard, and if I get stressed, it matters. Everything I do to myself, I do to him and that's something I never considered when planning to move in the middle of my pregnancy. Maybe when I was single and not a mom, it would have been totally okay to work 55+ hours a week, and couch-hop with friends, and walk a couple miles to work, and be living a stressful life. But I can't do that anymore, and that little ultrasound scare pretty much made that clear for me.
Robb had expressed his worries to me about this before, but I waved it away. In my mind, I didn't have a baby yet so I can struggle right now if I have to, if it means getting where I want to be. Finally, I decided that I need a different plan. And I need to stop being selfish and start thinking about what's best for Samuel. And what's best for Samuel is for his mother to be safe and secure, healthy and stress-free. And he needs both of his parents, whether they're in love or not, because he only has one mom and one dad, and he deserves to be with them both.
I'm not ecstatic about staying in Atlanta. I was, and am, very eager to begin rebuilding my life in Kansas City with our boy. But I can't do that if it means struggling and potentially hurting myself or him.
I will stay here, with Christmas being a goal to move, but even that isn't a sure thing. I'll work what I can this summer, save money, and focus on the pregnancy and staying healthy. When Samuel is here, Robb and I agreed it would be okay for me to stay at home with him until Christmas, which means a lot to me.

I've never been one to shy away from a lesson to learn or to be proven wrong. I am happy to learn and grow because it means I am one step closer to being who I want to be. I am grateful for this lesson and I look forward to all the others motherhood has to force upon me.
In the meantime, a big one is going to be about learning how to live in the moment instead of dreaming about the future or wishing time away. I want to enjoy the pregnancy, and eventually our son. And it's not a good habit to not live in the moment when you have a child. He won't be small forever!

Robb and I are good. We're both happy with the plan and that he can be there for Samuel in the beginning. I am still a little worried about his traveling, but I do know one or two people I could call here if I had an emergency, so that helps ease my mind quite a bit.

I think I just need to breathe. I need to enjoy right now, live in right now, not worry so much about the future, not be so serious and severe. As my grandma says, "Everything will turn out in the wash."

Bullet Updates

Every so often, I'll use these bullets to talk about things that are going on in my life. I think they're useful when I have updates or thoughts that seem scattered in my head.

- I went to another appointment last week and everything went well. I heard baby's heartbeat, which was strong and healthy, and I had a full exam that turned out perfect. The most exciting part of my appointment was setting up our next one. It's the gender scan where we find out more about our baby! And it is literally only four days away!! I am beyond excited. So much so that I've not been thinking about it at all the past week and a half because it makes me feel sick with excitement. 

- I'll be honest. I've been wanting a girl since day one. It's not that I think girls are better or anything. I think I just relate to girlhood so much because it was a time in my life that I have happy thoughts and memories about. I wasn't a very girly child, but I enjoyed American Girl magazines and their dolls, teen magazines, sleepovers with my best friend, and bad pop songs. But I also loved climbing trees, playing Legos with my little brother, riding my bike, and going to the movies with my friends.

Most importantly, I'd love to have a mother-daughter relationship with my girl. I want to have coffee dates and gossip about kids at school, and I want to teach her how to be someone she can be proud of. I say all this now, realizing that having a little boy wouldn't be much different. And this is why I've come to accept that I don't mind if I have a boy. 

Chances are, my boy would be much like his parents. He'd be into arts and crafts, reading, writing, music, animals, and science. I don't see him being too much of a boy's boy. Although I think he'd like the Royals because Mom and Dad are from Kansas City. But I predict he would be an inquisitive, sensitive, silly type. He'd be a boy who loves his parents, who likes coffee dates and craft sessions with Mom, and trips to the record store and lunch with Dad. 

And the truth is, I'm in love with both of these children and I'd be absolutely over the moon with whoever we end up with. Four more days and we'll find out!

- I've been feeling good these days for the most part. I don't feel sick but maybe a few times a week now, and I still have days of being exhausted, but I am pretty energetic for the most part.

- I decided to look for a second job so that I can save money and be able to buy some extra things every so often. I applied as a barista to a few places so hopefully I get a call soon. I'm sure working twelve hour days two or three days a week won't be fun, but I have to do something.

- I have plans to begin adding photos to this blog very soon, which will become a regular thing. I haven't done it yet because we haven't set up the computer I need to upload my photos to yet. But my hope is to get it done before the weekend and then use it immediately. We'll see what happens!