To My Pepper Baby

I've always been fascinated by the veins on the back of my hands and up my arms. It reminds me of something alive and old in me that never quite came through when I was younger. These are the hands that will hold you. These are the hands you will come to know. I am emotional thinking about these things. I want to love you. I think I am beginning to love you.

If only you weren't just a thought. I've seen you. A small oval, unrecognizable, but you were there on the screen. I've heard your heart beating, something I come back to when I feel alone. But you're still an abstraction that I can't quite pull into reality. Even so, I am beginning to love you.

Daddy called me to him as he worked at the kitchen table. He pulled me to him, hugged my waist, and kissed my belly. "Have you felt any kicks yet? I was reading about it earlier." I told him I hadn't but it won't be long. I pray it won't be long. 

I held this thought close to me through the evening. I took my usual comfort shower, something I do in the times I want hit the refresh button on my mind or reflect on things. I sang David Bowie quietly to myself. Is there life on Marssss?? I wonder if you heard me.

I washed my face and applied a new eye cream sample given to me by my aunt last weekend. Maybe it will make me look more lively and fresh. I thought. I picked up my Burt's Bees Belly Butter and considered a change in my regimen. I'll keep it next to my bed now. I had read that laying down quietly is the best way to feel your movements, so I did and applied the butter to my stomach, looking down at my breathing and wondering if you were asleep. Or maybe you were moving and I just couldn't tell. I noticed how my belly has grown and imagined its growth over the next few months. From my perspective, it seems bigger than it is. I wish you were bigger. But for now, my pregnancy app says you're the size of a jalapeno. My baby pepper. I am beginning to love you.

Tonight, I am floating. Today was just a long thought, filled with plans and goals and reminders that there is so much to do. I cleaned the kitchen for the third time, and attempted to wash the car oil out of my bright pink tennis shoes (There was an unfortunate leak from an oil bottle in the car when we moved here. I had to throw some things away). I made myself a rare cup of coffee, and it has made me miss the nights that I used to drink a big mug late in the night, scratching away at the latest project that had stolen my interest.

I daydream of those nights to come, assuming they will still exist. I've received many a warning that babies do not sleep through the night, and mothers will find themselves awake at all hours trying to soothe their little ones into sleep. Maybe it won't be so bad though. I dream of staying up, drinking my coffee and working away on a project, you wide awake and cozy in your swing or bassinet, happy and alert. Like a little muse, comforting and supportive in your smiles and yawns and wandering eyes. I am beginning to love you.

My next doctor's appointment is just five days away, and I will be happy to hear your heart again. And then maybe in a few weeks, we will see your sweet face and know our little one better. Even though I am still convinced you're most likely a little boy. But for now, you're our baby pepper. And to tell you the truth, I think I already love you.