I spent the last week in Kansas City. I needed a break to wash away all of the angst and emotional turmoil these past two months have brought me. It was a somewhat quiet trip with no real excitement, but I am glad for that. I had time with family and was able to catch my breath again. Reminders and revelations. And open wounds that were finally sewn up with care and grace and truth and genuine love from ones I thought had departed from me forever. Criticisms and support systems became defined, and finally the understanding and acceptance that this whole motherhood thing is going to be mine and only mine.
It took me until the day before I came home for me to actually want to come home. I love KC, but I want to like Atlanta too. I want to go exploring now that I have the energy. Not only that, but I want to feel like I am bringing my child into a place that I can show off and be happy with. Being away from my real home in the Midwest is definitely hard, but it has its perks. Out here, I don't have anyone to tell me what to think or that the way I am doing things is "not what they would do". I don't have anyone constantly reminding me how hard being a parent will be or that "everything is going to change", like that's such a bad thing. I know more than anyone else that these are facts. I don't expect that being a parent will be easy, and I don't think everything will stay the same, or that there won't be some days or nights where I'll want to just give up or tear my hair out. But the thing is, I welcome all of that with open arms, heart, and mind. I've wanted to be a mother for so long. I don't worry about whether or not I'll be a good mom because it's just something I am absolutely sure I'll be great at. It's always been a dream.
And I know better than anyone else that this was not the ideal time to become a mom for me. But it's happening. And I don't want to substitute those feelings of excitement and happiness for regret or sadness or fear. There is absolutely no room in my life for negativity right now.
I am learning to love this baby more and more everyday. I think I know that it's a little boy. I often find myself referring to the baby as "him", and I have had two dreams now that I had a son.
I find that any kind of pessimism I felt at the start of this, is now beginning to subside. I am gradually more confident everyday that we're going to be more than okay.
I was looking through my old Instagram posts this morning, and I immediately felt this wave of clarity come over me. "I was so lost. I was just wandering." I thought of all the memories and all the moments where I tried to muster enough motivation to pursue something real, and it all fell through. I didn't know who I was or where I was going or what to do. I was just wandering through my life with no real purpose or reason to be something more.
And now for the first time in my life, I have a huge reason. And I won't claim that I know who I am now or where I am going, but I actually have a direction that makes sense now. I have a motivation to pursue my ambitions and the things I wanted to accomplish. And I cannot express what a relief that is for me.
Being a mom is such a huge thing for me. I am trying learn how to make it my own and not worry so much about what a mom looks like or does or believes. I just want to be the best person I can be for myself and for my little one.
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