Lessons to Be Learned

I am nearing the end of my first trimester and I could not be more relieved. It wasn't awful, but it's definitely no fun being exhausted and on the verge of upchucking all day, everyday.

As you can imagine, a lot has been on my mind lately, but I want to be honest. This situation is not ideal for me at all. I always imagined that when I got pregnant with my first child, I would be married to the love of my life, we would have both planned for it and been absolutely ecstatic about becoming parents. But...that's just not how it has been for me.

I don't have my shit together at all. I don't have any money. I don't have a grown-up job, nor am I qualified for one right now. I have finished half of my college credits. I am not married, and I don't plan on marrying anyone for a while. I am away from my home (Kansas City) and my family and friends. I am living in this city that I am trying so hard to like but it's difficult. I often think that the only thing I've got going for me is how much of a dream becoming a mother has been for me, and that I know how great of a mother I will be.

But other than that, this is just...not how I wanted it to happen. It's not what I imagined. And if I were to go back in time and tell my eighteen year old self what would become of me in a matter of five years, I would have been devastated and felt like a failure. 

But shit, that thought process is depressing. Things rarely go the way we want them to in life, and worst of all, human beings are faulty creatures. No one sets out to make mistakes or make the wrong decisions. We go into a problem and try to assess and decide what is the right thing for us at the time. And half of the time, we find out later that...wah wah wahhhh, nope, that was the wrong decision. So what can you do? You've got to understand how and why you made that decision. And then you've got to own that shit, come to terms with it and really accept it, and then move on with your new knowledge. 

Guys, I've had many a pity party. Possibly many more than actual regular parties. And when you're an overly-ambitious person like me, you know the oh-so-familiar feeling of discouragement that inevitably paralyzes you when you finally let yourself down. Yes, I had big, BIG dreams. That wasn't the problem. The problem was that I had too many big dreams, and they weighed me down until I couldn't move anymore. I watched as my peers passed me by, achieving and accomplishing all that they set out to do, and I applauded and supported them. But I was also secretly jealous and unsure about myself. Why couldn't I have done that? Why am I here and not there? 

The truth is, you're here because you're not them. You have been faced with your own struggles and adversities, your own opportunities and privileges. Just as they have. But you've got to work with what you've been given and learn those lessons you were put on this earth to learn. So what is the point in comparing? You can't. 

I have punished myself for the mistakes I've made, and at times I thought maybe I was being punished by God or fate or something else. But I have come to believe that these thoughts do nothing but harm, and I am doing myself a disservice by not rising to my challenges and accepting the lessons I need to learn.

And there are lessons I am learning. They're not easy, but I feel that they are ones I, and everyone else, must learn in order to get to where we need to be. 

1.  Forgiveness - Forgiveness of others and myself. I cannot change what has happened in my life. I cannot change who has wronged me, or the ways in which I have wronged myself. We must be able to accept the past in order to properly exist in the present.
2.  Responsibility - For the predicaments and situations I find or put myself in, and for my future. In order to move forward, we must take full, unapologetic responsibility of ourselves and where we are in our lives. We have to know and accept that we will never get where we want to go unless we move ourselves. No one can do it for me. No one is going to save me or wave a wand and make it all better. We must take responsibility of ourselves and move from there.
3. Self-love and Ownership - I need to fully love and accept myself in order to be who I want to be. Self-love is not just about body positivity or being able to see a movie alone. It's the way we hold ourselves in all places in our lives, with the people we love, and with the people who don't love us. It's the ability to put yourself first in all situations and understanding that when you give to others what you do not give yourself, you are making thieves of them. You are allowing them to rob you of what you deserve first and foremost. This means loving others when you do not love yourself and everything that encompasses. You must be your own best friend. What would those who love you not tolerate? You need to have that strength to stand up for yourself as a loved one would, and value your time and presence, especially when others seem not to. 

All of these lessons are huge and incredibly important. I believe they are absolutely required in order for anyone, myself included, to be a well-rounded, fulfilled individual. And they aren't easy or quick either. They take time, possibly years. But what else am I going to do? I guess I could throw another pity party. But those are no fun, especially when you're the only one there.